Treating Regulation Like It’s Not Critical to Our Survival – Why Are We Still Doing That?
No Vacation Required
Beyond Self-Care: Why We’re Still Not Regulating (and What to Do Instead)
The world has become objectively overwhelming, and many of us have started accepting high stress as a permanent fact of life. We explore why we continue to run the same old scripts in a dysregulating environment and why prioritizing your nervous system is no longer a luxury, but a necessity for survival.
From a vulnerable look back at their "growth phase" in 2016 to navigating the heavy toll of global news, this episode breaks down how to identify what truly drains your energy. Whether you are dealing with personal upheaval or the weight of the world, learn why prioritizing regulation and having the discernment to say "no" to things that upset your nervous system is the smartest move you can make for your well-being.
Onward and Inward,
SUPPORT NO VACATION REQUIRED:
If this episode helped you find a bit of clarity today, please leave a review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or YouTube! It is the best way to help our message reach more people.
Subscribe: Never miss an episode by hitting the follow button on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts
Follow us on Instagram
CHAPTERS:
(00:00) Why are we still not regulating?
(00:49) Mind Share: Looking back at 2016 and the "Chapter 5" version of us
(03:34) The universal struggle of a rough landscape
(06:10) Carrying the world's problems on top of personal trauma
(09:03) Lessons from 2016: The "Blood Pressure in the Car" era
(12:45) When "good" things on paper are actually dysregulating
(16:53) Energy Tracking: Green, Yellow, and Red activities
(20:27) Worth the Time: The Traitors (TV series) and ACLU "Know Your Rights" literature
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
Regulation is Key: Your nervous system regulation is worth paying attention to all the time, regardless of how "productive" or "good" an activity seems on paper.
Permission to Pivot: You have permission to stop doing things that are dysregulating, even if you’ve already committed to them or they are considered "growth-oriented."
The "Everything" Table: Habits, diet, exercise, and the media you consume should all be evaluated by how they leave you feeling—either freer and more authentic or depleted and heavy.
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Energy Tracking Worksheet: https://novacationrequired.com/store/worksheet-bundle
ACLU Know Your Rights: https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights
Strengths and Personality Assessments: https://novacationrequired.com/services
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Kent It is no longer a debate. The world is objectively overwhelming. We've stopped wondering if things are stressful or if I'm overreacting and started accepting it as a fact of life. So if we all agree the environment is dysregulating, why aren't we responding accordingly? Why are we still running the same old scripts and doing the same old patterns? Today, we're asking, why are we still not regulating?
Welcome to the No Vacation Required podcast, where we break down tired traditions and outdated thinking by asking the question, why are we still doing that? It's all about building a life you don't need a break from, being more present and fulfilled, and showing up in a complicated world that needs your voice and unique talents.
Caanan All right, Kent, what is on your mind this week?
Kent 2016 is on my mind this week.
Caanan Oh my gosh, I just saw something about this.
Kent Yeah, it's everywhere. It's been fun to see everybody posting about and talking about 2016. It's kind of taken the internet by storm, almost surpassing the heated rivalry craze. But so it's been fun to what I thought was just this little like, this is cute. A few people are posting from a decade ago and then it becomes a tidal wave. So I was looking at our photos from the 2016 Apple album.
Caanan Our 2016 was crazy, wasn't it?
Kent I said on social media, it was our busiest year yet. But I've been thinking about this because perspective is such a big thing in our world and such a huge thing we help clients with and thinking our world now is so different from what it was like in 2016. I mean, like the world around us and the Kent and Canaan world is so different than what it was in 2016. And I love distance from things because so often, I mean, think of all the people we work with. Think of our friends and loved ones. When you're in something, you can't see so clearly what's going on. You can only do the best you can.
Caanan Yeah, you're right in the middle of it.
Kent Yeah, when something's passed, gosh, that makes perfect sense that was happening right then. So it's been fun to look back at that year because it was one of our best years. I know we resist saying that because every year is the best year. Every year is better than the last year. But 2016, I will say, was special, not necessarily in a good or bad way, but special in that even when I started looking at pictures, it was clear that it was definitely a memorable one and so different from who we are now. And I'm so thankful for the 2016 version of us.
Caanan Yes.
Kent Which was chapter two version of us. And here, only 10 years later, we were in chapter five version of us. And I'm so happy, even happier that we're in this version of us.
Caanan Yeah, because 2016, we were ripping and running. We were all over the world. We had so much going on and it was really fun. But I much prefer the calmer chapter 5 version of us that we're currently in the middle of.
Kent Yes, it was growth version of us. It was taking the world by storm, literally, figuratively, us. So it was a big difference from us. So I don't know, fascinating.
Caanan Fascinating.
Kent Okay, so why are we still not regulating? Thinking about this, I was watching a podcast and then I talked to you about it.
Caanan Yeah.
Kent But on this podcast, the participants were talking about the tough state of the world. Things are deteriorating, crumbling, just so matter of factly, which by the way, we completely agree with. But we, Canaan and I, got into this rich conversation about how 10, definitely 15, 20 years ago, saying something like that so loosely, you would almost feel so much shame because I don't want to dump my problems on the world, or this is a very situational thing.
And now, across the board, and a lot of this comes from the client work we do and the loved ones who we want to help. It's just sort of universally tough right now. Lots of people have lots of joy, you and I among them for sure, but it doesn't mean that the landscape we're in isn't super, super rough. So just thinking about that and you and I talking, how are people getting through? You and I have had to shift how we get through. We added more individual and couple regulating things to just take the temperature of our nervous systems down.
Caanan Yes. I mean, we were doing, it's funny you brought up 2016 because we were doing regulating before regulating was cool and before we knew it was regulated. We somehow knew that we needed to be doing that when our life was really crazy. We probably should have been doing it more back when we were in our growth phase. It's why being out of our growth phase is so satisfying now.
Kent But you know what? I'm imagining doing our growth phase in this world environment and thinking like we'd be done. Hell no. People are losing it and not equipped and they weren't even equipped to begin with. They were holding on by a thread and we just feel it in all corners of our world.
Caanan Yeah. The world has been complicated and difficult for a long time. We're not trying to act like now we have problems and we didn't used to have problems. It is absolutely not what we're talking about, but it is complicated in a very unique way now. It is very scary in a unique way now and the amount of information we have coming at us makes it very present and clear to us now.
So, this is reminding me of a text I got from a buddy the other day. He's going through a divorce and it's a lot. Of course, it's a divorce and he's not doing great with it. You know, he's getting through it, but he's just barely holding on.
Kent We talked about this. This is who we talked about. Yeah.
Caanan Yeah. I won't say much more about that because I wouldn't want to betray his trust, but I got these texts from him and I could just tell from the amount of information that was in these texts before I even read it, that he was spiraling. You know, when you get like a novella over text and you're like, oh, Jesus, what is this? Right?
So I'm reading through this and he's kind of trying to process over text, which is wonderful. That's what I'm here for. And he's been here for me in that kind of way. And I love it. But what he was trying to deal with now on top of a divorce is the whole world's problems. Right? So he's talking about the pain of dealing with the divorce, but he's also ruminating on things like ICE, of course, and Gaza and I mean, I could just list 10 different things, all of which are important things and things we want to care about. Very little of which he has the capacity to actually care about given what he's going through now. And very little of which, even if he were like at the top of his game, would he have the ability to make any real change with. So it's just this insurmountable amount of pressure and trauma and grief coming at him. And I bring this up because all I could say to him was like, it is time to let a lot of that go. You have got to be regulating.
Kent Yeah, this reminds me of a text we got from another friend a few months ago. It was like, you guys are the only people who will understand this. I need to talk to you immediately. And there was that vibe in this text that you got as you were telling me. And it's like, wait, both of these people, we have great heart space for. But there's that thing where it's like, okay, am I in the space where I can productively really help? Because I'm doing my own nervous system regulation, counting backwards from 10, naming things I can see.
Caanan Seriously, I'm over here trying to affix my oxygen mask first.
Kent Yeah, totally. So it's a really rough time and I'm so happy we're getting into that. Okay, so I just thought of this, especially talking about the opening where we're talking about 2016 and then listening to you talk, I was thinking of that version of us, the 2016 version of us and regulating. And this is probably one of our most embarrassing things, but just to tell you how, you know, we're all in different places and learning and growing.
And to keep this short, because I wasn't planning on saying this at the time, we were living between two places. I had like slightly elevated blood pressure. So the doctor was saying, oh, just be sure you check it once a week so it doesn't go up.
Caanan Oh, God, I know where you're going.
Kent Do I have your permission to share this?
Caanan Yes, I consent barely.
Kent So this is how kind of busy I said it was a growth phase. I was like, great. So we got a portable blood pressure machine, put it in the car, and I would check my blood pressure in the car in crazy Seattle and outside of Seattle traffic going between our Seattle place and our other place. I would check my blood pressure in a violently moving car. And it didn't even dawn on me until a point when I was like, this is not healthy.
Caanan Do you know what? You're not even saying how there's a next level to how embarrassing that was. Do you remember we were driving over a mountain pass to get to our other place out in the mountains, and you took my blood pressure? You were like, we should go ahead and do yours. You took my blood pressure while I was driving over a mountain.
Kent Yeah, so we have to stop this because I'm already regretting it. I may have this edited out because now it sounds ridiculous. But I think it's also a good vulnerable example of how you start doing things and it's like, wait, why am I doing that? And this is kind of a good thing about what's happening in the world right now. It's crazy. If you are awake and paying attention, it's crazy. And if you're awake and paying attention and have a heart, it is also very sad.
So it makes us, Canon and I, very aware of what we need to feel whole or as close to whole on any given day, week, month. And that's how we look at it. Like what kinds of things are we doing to regulate? And I think of all the clients we work with, just doing things like us doing blood pressure in the car—I know that was 10 years ago—but why are you doing this? Canaan, you said this in the last segment a bit, like the answer is just don't do this. If it's giving you this much stress, if it makes regulation harder, if it's too tough to regulate from.
Here's a biggie: if there's something going on that actually might be good, but it's too tough to regulate from, or there's some part of it that stretches you too thin, what we're always telling our clients in the work we do is like your regulation, especially now, is key and there's no place to not be regulated. So if it's not good for you, don't pay attention to it. If it's not good for you, don't do it.
Caanan No, if you can, if you have a choice and it's dysregulating, choose not to do it. It's funny that we're talking about regulating now this plainly. Like in the past, we might say self-care or, you know, it's important to take a little time for yourself to deal with the stressors of the world. Treating the world is crazy and scary as hyperbole is no longer a thing. Either is this sort of nibbling around the edges self-care. Take a warm bath, that'll help. A warm bath will help, but now we're just full on saying like, no, your nervous system can't handle it, girl. Stop.
I was going to share just a little experience I had. I started like a special interest group, just a fun group that I was interested in. And I thought it was going to be light and happy and a healthy distraction. And it turned out to be heavier than I expected. The conversations in the group got heavier and the topics of conversation were heavier because the world is heavy. And so here's this thing that I thought was going to be a really healthy, happy, light way to take a break from the world and it turned out to not be that at all. It was just more dysregulating than I would have ever expected it to be.
And so I come home and tell you, Kent, like, God, I feel kind of heavy from this, it's not feeling fun for me. I'm having to like get over what we talked about in this group. And thankfully, you were just like, you don't have to do that if you don't want to. Because I tend to want to, like, if I get into it, now I'm in it for life. And you're like, you can stop that. The same advice we give clients and friends and family that are so hard to take yourself. You're like, well, don't do that anymore. Take a break from it. And the second I chose to take a break from it, I felt a great sense of relief. I could feel myself regulating just from choosing to not do something that was upsetting me.
Kent Yeah. So I love what you brought up in your experience. And I think it was surprising to both of us. It took our understanding of regulation to a new level. Because, you know, if you're drinking too much, that's dysregulating. If you're not leaving the house, that's dysregulating. We think we all have these ideas of what is taking energy and what is giving us energy. What we're leaving better because of, as opposed to worse. So here's this confusing thing: something that on paper is good, period. Growth oriented, outside activity, period. Didn't even think, do I need to pay attention to this?
Since we've been leaning into this practice these last few years of checking in, even with those quote-unquote good things, there's been some surprises where it's like, wow, I know this is on paper publicly believed to be good, but I don't feel great after this, and this is why.
Caanan Yes.
Kent Yeah, so I think one of the big things we want to leave you with is everything's on the table. Your nervous system regulation is worth paying attention to all the time. What you're eating, the exercise you're doing, what kind of exercise—maybe it's not a right kind that lifts you up. Everything is on the table and how you feel.
Like we work with this with our clients so much, you know, our whole green things, yellow things, red things. You want to do more of those green things and green things are going to be things that automatically are making your nervous system feel better, looser, freer, more authentically you. The way to start this is do not do things that you absolutely know ahead of time are not going to feel great for you. And you were saying this at the beginning, commit with us to not caring about things that you can't change. That is so tough.
We went on a long run yesterday. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so excited to talk to Cainan about these five things. We didn't even get past this first thing because we just talked about how even in our own experiences, you can be thinking about something that you can't change, period. And how depleting that is.
Caanan How much energy that takes and how dysregulating it is and how debilitating it is when it comes to dealing with all of the things in your life that you actually do need to care about and that you can change, that you can't say no to and that lift you up. So yeah, this is permission from Uncle Canaan and Uncle Kent to say no to things that you know are dysregulating. Stop worrying about the things that you can't control or that you have very limited ability to control or that you no longer have the capacity to do something about and start asking yourself about everything. Kent, I love what you said. Everything is on the table. When you're doing something or thinking something or eating something or exercising, whatever, ask yourself: how do I feel right now doing this? How do I feel right now after doing this?
Kent This makes me think of habits, a big thing. Those green things. I'm being my authentic self doing this. It feels good on the body. You want more of those things. And we do that in our world. So for instance, for us, things like running and reading and, you know, Canon makes a mean, delicious protein shake full of veggies and fruit and healthy stuff that makes both of us feel great and nourished and better able to face things in the day. So we get those in the calendar because they're great. They're positive. They're nervous system regulators. We do more of those habits.
Caanan Yeah. And regarding the green things, yellow things, red things, we'll put a link in the show notes to a worksheet that will help you energy track so that you can do those things and so that you can, if you're not familiar with what that means, you can get into it.
Kent I want to talk about what's worth the time, and I was thinking about regulation. I think people think, I know our friends think, like, are you guys doing this all the time? We love, we're the friends who help people, and we're the friends who are there and all this. The truth is we're pretty clean—pretty clean in the brain and spiritually as we call it. So we have a ton of fun. And that only comes because we have a pretty good understanding of regulation.
Something I just wanted to throw out there, a fun thing we've been doing lately is watching The Traitors.
Caanan Oh my God.
Kent Which is just stupid.
Caanan It is such trash.
Kent Yeah, but it's so fun. And these things, we do so much learning and growing and reading of the heavy book and watching the award-winning movie, doing these things are great. So if you need a mindless disconnect second screen type thing, watch The Traitors. It's a lot of fun. And I know I talked about a run yesterday on a walk recently. I had, again, all this stuff to talk to you about and I was like, oh, a couple thoughts I have on The Traitors. And we have this long walk where all we're talking about is The Traitors. And that's great. Okay, so tell me you have a worth the time that.
Caanan I do have a worth the time. It's significantly more important than The Traitors. Far less fun, but definitely more important. No, I'll keep this quick. Listen, we're all trying to figure out what to do in these times and how to respond to like ICE and what's happening in Minneapolis and sadly all over the country.
Kent I love where you're heading because like, it's a big thing rather than ruminating, putting that into some kind of action.
Caanan Yes. So this is a small thing you can do and it shouldn't be too dysregulating, although all of this is to a certain degree: head over to the ACLU, their website. We're big fans of the ACLU and we're huge supporters of the ACLU. But check out their "know your rights" literature. It's something that you want to be armed with. It just tells you how to respond in a situation with the police or with ICE and how to protect yourself. Hopefully you never, ever need to use these tips, but you should probably know them just in case you do.
Kent Thanks for listening to the No Vacation Required podcast. For more information, including services designed to help you build a life you don't need a break from, check out novacationrequired.com. And if you found this information helpful, please subscribe.