End the Mind Reading Trap – Why Are We Still Doing That?
No Vacation Required
Why Are We Still Mind Reading? The Path to Genuine Connection
Why do we often attempt to read minds instead of simply asking a question? We dive into the "why" behind our reliance on assumptions. We explore how mind reading is frequently a byproduct of fear – fear of confrontation, rejection, or vulnerability – and how these guesses create avoidable drama in both our personal and professional lives.
We get into how our own relationship was transformed by moving away from assumptions and toward an understanding of personality motivations. And we discuss the development of "TwoFinder”, designed to help coworkers and couples stop centering other people's behaviors in their own experiences and start seeing things from a different perspective. From global cultural dynamics to the pitfalls of hyper-individualism, this episode offers a guide on how to replace a network of guessing with clarity and compassion.
Onward and Inward,
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CHAPTERS:
(00:00) Why are we still doing that?
(01:00) Mindshare: The importance of off-cycle elections and voting by mail
(04:23) Why are we still mind reading?
(06:00) Moving from assumptions to insight
(09:13) Personality vs. Personal slights: Lessons from Kent and Caanan’s early life
(12:00) Global perspectives: Cultural rules vs. global workplace dialogue
(14:34) Overcoming hyper-individualism to build connection
(19:00) Practical tools: How to "just ask"
(20:33) Worth the Time: High-stakes documentaries and the "all figured out" trap
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
Ask, Don't Guess: The truest path to understanding and connection is direct inquiry rather than attempting to read someone's mind.
Personality isn't Personal: Many behaviors we perceive as slights are actually just reflections of a person's unique personality and motivation.
The Cost of Mind Reading: Relying on assumptions robs both parties of empathy and is a primary cause of workplace and familial drama.
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Personality and Strengths Assessments for Individuals and Partnerships
Documentary: Unknown Number: The High School Catfish (Netflix)
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Kent
Welcome to the No Vacation Required podcast, where we break down tired traditions and outdated thinking by asking the question, why are we still doing that? It's all about building a life you don't need a break from, being more present and fulfilled, and showing up in a complicated world that needs your voice and unique talents.
Caanan
Why are we still attempting to mind read rather than ask, when the latter is the true path to understanding and connection? The persistence of mind reading often stems from fear, whether it's the fear of confrontation, rejection, or appearing vulnerability. Reliance on assumptions creates completely avoidable drama, prevents us from genuine dialogue, and it robs both parties of the opportunity for deeper empathy. So that's what we're talking about today.
Kent
It's time for Mindshare, where we share what's on each of our minds. Caanan, do you have anything today?
Caanan
I do. I'm actually going to hijack our Mindshare for a little bit of a PSA, a very special episode of Mindshare. We just voted, and even though I think this is going out after this off-cycle election, I would just want to put out there, like, make sure you're voting, especially in these off-cycle elections, because these are the ones that really matter and shockingly few people show out for them.
Also, here in Washington State, we get to vote by mail and we have since like the '80s or something, and we kind of take it for granted that we get to sit at home at our kitchen table and go over our ballots and read about the different ballot measures and politicians and the like.
Kent
Have more flexibility to vote.
Caanan
Oh, yeah. We totally do it on our time. And so I just want to throw out there, if you're somewhere where you don't get to vote by mail, ask yourself why that is, because I can promise you it's not election security.
Kent
So why are we still mind reading? I just finished a non-fiction book where some pretty terrible things happen. And throughout the book, it's very much a vibe of, I don't know the answer to that because we don't talk about that. I can't ask my grandfather that because he won't talk about it. A patchwork of people having to guess what's happening, what other people are thinking, simply because that's not how that family or those families work.
And of course, Caanan, it was making me think of the work we do and how this kind of thing comes up all the time where people just aren't communicating. We laugh because oftentimes we find there isn't a problem. There's just no communication.
Caanan
Yeah, I think you brought up the work we do. I'll start by saying that I think every listener here knows this intimately from their familial relationships, because we all have those things that are just not talked about in the family. And if you don't, gosh, lucky you. That's amazing.
But this is especially funny in work environments where we most encounter it, because these are not familial dynamics. There shouldn't be, in a healthy corporate environment or work environment, a culture of, "We don't talk about that here." That is antithetical to a healthy functioning business. In fact, what we see, and you just spoke to, Kent, is that a lot of problems exist in the workplace because there actually is a culture of, "We don't talk about that here," or there's a prevailing culture just among all of us that keeps us, as we said, from asking what's actually going on, from asking for somebody's perspective, from asking where they're coming from.
Kent
Yeah, so in the work we do, we pretty much always do some kind of an intake, whether it's with an individual or a team or whatever. And so often, the roadblocks that people are having—we'll just stick with the team thing, the coworker thing—oftentimes in these intakes, there's a big narrative about what somebody's doing or what they're thinking or how they're undermining this. And it's like, okay, well, that had to have been an uncomfortable conversation. "Oh, no, I haven't talked to this person. I'm just assuming because if I did that, this is what I would be signaling."
We are astounded at all the mind reading that goes on. We've talked about this in a prior podcast and it's worth repeating and repeating again. You members of this dysfunctional team have this entire network of thoughts, each varying per the individual on the team, but it comes together to form this network of "he means he's really doing this, they're doing this." That is entirely—I don't want to say false because we always say a stopped clock is right twice a day. Yeah, I mean, we can guess what, but all the anguish and the drama. And in this case, there's, you know, a consultant who's come in. All this is worth not talking, not trying to mind read rather than confront. And I'm really proud of us because it's actually why we developed TwoFinder.
Our two kind of main stage project, two main stage offerings have been UFinder for individuals who want to figure out what they're made of, starting with their personality, and TeamFinder. And we realized, Caanan, I think it was actually you who came up with it, this need for a TwoFinder, because it really starts with, of course, yourself. But then after that, it starts with your relationship with each of your co-workers. I think it's funny because when we rolled this out, people would be like, "TwoFinder? I'm not dating this person." And we're like, yeah, no, these relationships are important.
Caanan
Yeah, in some cases they may be. You spend a lot of time with these people. I think it's important to note here that without making this a sales pitch, that UFinder does work great for family members or couples. I think it's actually, you know, must-read kind of work for couples. But in the workplace, it's so helpful because by learning about another person's personality, what motivates them, what their strengths are, what drives them, you can stop centering other people's behaviors in your own experience and start seeing it from their perspective. And it starts to open a dialogue so that you can actually be more comfortable just asking a person, "Why did you do that? What were you thinking in that moment?" And now I don't have to guess.
Kent
Yeah, what's really cool about this personality thing is you begin to understand other people's motivation. So it helps not only with the problem at hand or whatever's happening in the here and now, but when you understand something deeper, which is somebody's motivation, the way they move through the world, then the next time something similar happens, you have a better understanding and you can be more realistic in how you assess why they're doing what they're doing. It's really about more understanding and compassion, because when you bring understanding and compassion, you really want to know where somebody's coming from. You want to have confirmed information and not, like with so many of our clients or this book I was just reading, be relying on a network of guessing and thinking that'll bring you any satisfaction or help you sleep better at night, because it absolutely won't.
Caanan
Yeah, as we've been talking, I was actually thinking about how you and I, Kent, we did this work. Not TwoFinder—we hadn't developed TwoFinder at the time.
Kent
Yes, I have forgotten, but yes.
Caanan
So we essentially did what we developed TwoFinder for early in our relationship where we learned about our personality and then shared those things. And it was a really profound moment for us.
Kent
Yeah, you're blowing my mind bringing that up because I can remember, this was what got me interested in deepening my education. It got you interested too in learning about how this can impact somebody so profoundly. Because reading about my own personality—I remember this, like you felt the same way—I felt like somebody was in my brain.
Caanan
Yeah. And that insight that you get about yourself, you start to understand why you do certain things or why you are motivated by certain things. But then also, understanding your partner. Like when I learned about your type, my gosh, there were so many things that, just little things that I consider foibles or personal slights. "He didn't push his chair in. Why does he hate me?" Stupid little thing that actually within a relationship start to add up to real drama. When I learned about your personality and vice versa, so many of those things just disappeared. Those little issues disappeared because I now understood where you were coming from, what your motivations were. And I could stop taking things personally that had nothing to do with me. They're just the way you move through the world. And I could offer more grace—and talk about sleeping better at night when you know that somebody isn't like not shutting the closet door because they want to ruin your life.
Kent
Because they're trying to antagonize you. Yeah, exactly.
Caanan
That's a really nice thing. I definitely recommend anybody in a partnership, a relationship of any kind, but definitely a romantic relationship, do this work.
Kent
Yeah. So we've done a lot with this and it's making me think of one of the big things we talk about when we're doing a client project is, oh my gosh, okay, they need to better understand that it's personality, it's not personal. We've even done another podcast or blog post by this name. It's such a big thing. And I think about when I did my MBA specialization in global organization development and I had to study how global cultures handle interaction. And it was interesting because we went to Southeast Asia at that time, where I kind of focused a lot of this work on. And at the time, especially, and still, you did not ask a boss what they meant or for more information. That was, I believe it's a little less so now, was considered absolute prying.
But in the work world that was becoming much more global, and of course now is completely global, these things get so tricky in workplaces because you're dealing not only with the dynamic in your own culture, but you're dealing with the dynamic of the cultures that comprise your team and your company. And there are so many differences. And the one truth is, of course, honoring people's hard and fast cultural rules, the more you're able to have some kind of dialogue that everybody can buy into. Like you said, this was sounding like a sales pitch, but the bottom line is stopping mind reading and asking, having dialogue, you will be 50% more effective. And most importantly, you will sleep 50% better at least each night when you quit mind reading, because talking about how mind reading is so painful, you, the person trying to put together what's going on, you're the one losing most of the sleep. So why are we still mind reading? The worst thing that can happen is you can be told no or whatever, but it's a heck of a lot better than living inside your head and just trying to guess what's going on.
Caanan
I remember you doing this work when we were in Southeast Asia. We were actually—little insight into our early life—you were writing a paper while we were in Bangkok about corporate culture in Thailand. And it was kind of a bit of a mind trip. I was thinking, speaking of culture here in the US, I think a big problem is our hyper individuality. And it keeps you from wanting to pry or ask people how they're feeling or ask where they're coming from. But I also think it kind of drives us to believe we already know what other people are thinking and what their motivations are. And so I think we, here in the US, we have to get past that idea, that hyper-individualism keeping us from building the very connections we need in order to make our lives more comfortable, in order to reduce the drama and all the anxiety and having those sleepless nights.
Kent
So thinking of productive ways to kind of conclude this and kind of tools for going forward, I think about how we're Gen X. We get hyper-individualism. We get extreme sensitivity to, "Hey, that's their thing. Let them do their thing. Don't try to box them in." Because we are so into the power of the individual and the choice of the individual and the freedom of the individual and the empowerment of the individual that it can become a little tricky, but there is a way, even with this mindset that we share, there's a way that you can honor that within a person and gracefully and with curiosity, come at these things that have you sort of flummoxed to ask in a real safe way, "Where were you going with this? What are you thinking of this? I'm having a tough time reading this." So I think even in these situations, like with our mindset, let people do what they need to do and stay out of their way. Of course, with the work we do, we're constantly having to move past that while respecting it and learning their motivation.
Caanan
Yeah, I think there are two ways to look at this. There's the hyper individualism that you and I exhibit as Gen Xers that says sort of like, stay out of people's way, don't get up in their stuff and let them live their life, do their thing. And I think that's very good. That does not exclude building relationships and asking people to tell you what they're thinking of doing. Yeah, you do have to get over some of that hyper individual in order to do that. But that really is a sort of get over yourself, just, you know, ask. But there's also an element of "eff your feelings" in that hyper individualism—something you and I don't have at all, because we're very feelings oriented. And if that rings true to you, that "eff your feelings" mindset, that's when you're going to have to exercise completely, because that is a complete blocker to understanding other people's motivations. And that's just going to bring so, so much drama in your life. And you may think it won't, you may think you're somehow protecting yourself from the drama that comes from that, but you're not.
Kent
Yeah, it's a blocker too. Just like you said, it's a middle blocker. We've all seen this movie, and I think we just watched one like a week ago, where, you know, it's like some atrocious thing happens, and it's like, "That's just how he is, son. We don't do that in this family." Just these things that are couched as helpful or like an operational manual is really just a bunch of bunk because it's a way to avoid doing something slightly difficult so that you can move past something.
So this has me thinking about mind reading, how we get past it. Think about those times when you had something all figured out. We were actually just brainstorming this. Think about those times, laugh about those times. Laugh about those times where you've had something all figured out and you realized, I had that totally wrong. It's helpful to do that because then you start to learn how often we create these mind reading narratives based on something somebody did one time six years ago—you don't even know the latest chapter of their life—or based on something someone has done zero times ever and you've just decided it's the narrative. So yeah, examine those times you've had it all figured out. And that'll motivate you to be a little more inquisitive to tell yourself that it's not prying. It's actually just connecting, because this is all about connecting.
Caanan
And inquisitive is the word here, and we'll just end this with some really, really basic but profound advice. So here's how to stop the mind reading. It's just two words. Just ask.
It's time for Worth the Time, a segment where we share something that we think is worth the time. Speaking of drama, Kent has a Worth the Time that is so high drama.
Kent
Yeah, so I talked about in the closeout, examining times where you've had it all figured out. And those are like the more high stakes times regarding your work and family and all that stuff. But my Worth the Time is all about that "all figured out" attitude. And it is the Netflix documentary, Unknown Number: The High School Catfish. Have you watched it? If you haven't watched it, those around you probably have. This is one of those times where every time we've gotten to that point in a friend get together, they've all been like, "My God, it's complete trash, but it's so good."
Caanan
Be careful, don't give any spoilers away, because this one is just such a, like, "Oh my God, I had it all figured out and I was so wrong."
Kent
This is what happens—it's a documentary. I and a lot of other people kind of moves along and you kind of think you have a basic idea. You kind of have it all figured out. And you get to the point, it's a complete record scratch, right? Where you are grabbing your head like, "Wait, what?" Like the Sixth Sense, "Wait, what?" kind of thing.
Caanan
Oh, that's a good comparison. I need to go back and re-watch this because how did I miss this?
Kent
Yeah, so you have two things you have to do. Number one, watch Unknown Number: The High School Catfish and see how quickly you get into, "Oh, I've got this all figured out" or whatever. And then #2, challenge yourself to actually raise the stakes and do the "What do I think I have all figured out" in your real life so that you quit mind reading and strive for connection and less judgment. Thanks for listening to the No Vacation Required podcast. For more information, including services designed to help you build a life you don't need a break from, check out novacationrequired.com. And if you found this information helpful, please subscribe.