Close Is Not The Same As Connected – Why Are We Still Doing That?
No Vacation Required
Beyond Proximity: Why Logistics Aren't the Same as Connection
In a world that is more connected than ever, we have become experts at coexisting while remaining completely invisible to one another. We explore the "parallel play" trap – where we trade the messiness of being truly seen for the safety of logistics – and how to move past the autopilot talk that keeps our relationships on the surface.
From the silent distance of a shared sofa to the meaningless office one-on-ones, this episode offers practical sparks to reignite communication. Whether you are feeling like a roommate to your partner or a stranger to your team, learn how to stop settling for proximity and start building the depth required for a life you don't need a break from.
Onward and Inward,
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CHAPTERS:
(00:00) Why are we still doing that?
(00:46) Mind Share: Breaking the code on the power of journaling
(02:15) Mind Share: The "Post-Gender" double standard of "Bro" and "Dude"
(04:46) Listener Mail: Escaping the 4-hour couch autopilot
(06:16) Parallel Play: Why adults are acting like toddlers
(10:42) Conditioning vs. Connection: It’s not a lack of love, it’s a lack of energy
(14:16) Communication Sparks: The "Small Thing" and the "Big Thing" tools
(19:54) Bringing it to Work: Making one-on-ones meaningful
(22:16) Worth the Time: Rebuilding movie review (Josh O’Connor)
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
Proximity vs. Connection: Just because you are side-by-side doesn't mean you are connected; logistics are safe, but intimacy is found in the "messy" details.
The Power of the Pivot: Using "icebreakers" like Wordle or a shared hobby can grease the wheels for deeper conversations without the exhaustion.
Professional Depth: One-on-ones should focus on forward movement and personal development rather than just checking boxes to avoid feeling alone at work.
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Strengths and Personality Assessments: https://novacationrequired.com/services
Rebuilding: https://letterboxd.com/film/rebuilding/
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Kent
We've become experts at coexisting while remaining completely invisible to one another. We've traded the messiness of being seen for the safety of logistics, checking boxes instead of checking in. If we all know that loneliness can happen even on a shared sofa, why are we still settling for the surface?
Welcome to the No Vacation Required podcast, where we break down tired traditions and outdated thinking by asking the question, why are we still doing that? It's all about building a life you don't need a break from, being more present and fulfilled, and showing up in a complicated world that needs your voice and unique talents. So I have a mind share.
Caanan
Okay.
Kent
And it's pretty basic. It is the power of journaling. I finally figured it out.
Caanan
You've broken the code on the power of journaling.
Kent
Yeah. Okay. Well, because I've always been a dabbler in journaling. I've always had the pressure of feeling like it has to be a certain thing or a certain way or a certain vibe or a certain specific topic. And then I realized just journaling. So going in with no agenda, and I have a loose bit of parameters that I apply to this daily journal, but it's on my mind because I'm thinking, I can't believe I'm finally journaling regularly. And as we all know, how powerful it is and going in with no agenda, kind of loose ideas and just taking that time to write and journal is really high impact.
Caanan
Yeah, I know it's high impact for you, but I was just going to ask you for the sake of this podcast, like you notice a difference throughout the day. Totally.
Kent
It's like this grounding experiment that's not even intended to be grounding. And I know you also journal and have had similar, more consistent luck than I have. But yeah, for anybody out there, the key is not going in with an agenda. The key is just deciding, I'm going to write whatever comes to mind.
Caanan
I think that's good permission to start journaling. That makes it easier to start.
Kent
Yeah, totally.
Caanan
Maybe. I have a mind share. This is sort of like a very progressive woke man shouts a cloud. But I was seeing on Reddit this person complaining about, a trans person complaining about people using the word dude and bro for everybody. And there was some pushback to this person saying, no, bro and dude are kind of genderless now. You can call anybody bro or dude. And that's totally okay.
Kent
Yeah.
Caanan
And I wanted to get your thoughts on this because I think post gender bro and dude is really great. If it worked in the opposite direction, like if you could call a straight guy cis, or Mary, or any female term and that not be problematic or unsafe, then I would be fully on board with bro and dude being quote unquote genderless. But what do you think?
Kent
I think that's exactly right. And I'm writing a note in my head that I'll maybe journal about tomorrow saying do a whole episode on these weird reverse things we allow people to do. This is okay, but it's okay to call a woman bro, but you cannot call a man sis or whatever. Yeah, totally.
Caanan
Okay.
Kent
The double standards that exist in everything.
Caanan
Yeah.
Kent
Thank you for giving me something more to obsess about.
Caanan
And journal about.
Kent
Okay, so this month, and I'm very, very excited about this, we are spending 4 episodes based on listener emails. Now you remember, yes.
Caanan
We used to do this all the time.
Kent
We used to do this all the time. Loved it. We got away from it because we wanted to try a new kind of vibe. But it's so perfect because as we were talking about what to do this month, we knew we wanted to do something centered around kind of sparks, getting things going after last month when we talked about foundations and core things you have to know. We wanted to talk about sparks and going through our listener emails, there were a number of them that were such good spark kind of questions. You said this in blank episode, help me figure out this.
So let's get into this week's, this person was writing about episode 20 on communicating a very recent episode. So go back and listen if you haven't. And they're saying, I was listening to the episode where you were talking about the doctor's office and running friends. And it hit me that my partner and I spent four hours together every night on the couch, but I couldn't tell you one thing that they are actually worried about right now. Ouch.
So the email goes on to say, how do we stop this autopilot talk and start having quality communication? We talk about our schedules, we talk about our kids, but we aren't actually reaching each other. So I think that's great.
Caanan
That's a great question. That's a big question, but I bet a lot of people, I bet that resonates with a lot of people, the autopilot talk, the logistics in lieu of actual communicating. It makes me think about, well, that email says we spend 4 hours a night together, whatever. So I'm thinking about this couple on the couch, side by side. Maybe one person's watching a show on the TV and another person's scrolling through their phone, or maybe they're both scrolling through their phones and watching the show. But they're side by side for a significant amount of time, but they're not connected.
Kent
Yes.
Caanan
So it's sort of like when we were looking into doing this topic, I saw this thing about parallel play which we're not child development people, but I guess this is an important part of child development, like where kids play next to one another, but not with each other.
Kent
Yes.
Caanan
And so it kind of feels like that, but like adults, like I think we're supposed to grow out of that.
Kent
Yes, this is the whole thing. They're basically asking why are we doing parallel play? And it's a question we get all the time in our consulting, which is, we're spending time together, my boss and I or this co-worker or whatever, my team, but really nothing's happening. And that's how I love how this emailer said, I couldn't tell you a thing that they are actually worried about right now.
So yeah, this episode is all about why are we still pretending that proximity is the same thing as connection or as I said in the intro, why are we still settling for surface? And it's a question so many people have and what we brought up in that episode 20 on communication. And I think people were saying, okay, so wait, what is good communication? I want to go back to what you were saying about parallel play. And I think that's just, that's right, parallel play, right? Because I think it's just brilliant. It really is sort of like in this complex world that we're living in, this has always been the case. People were not taught to communicate meaningfully in many cases, we're taught to just spend time with people. And that's great. Like parallel play, just being with somebody, there's great comfort in that.
But now it's been taken to an extreme where we're just existing side by side. And this kills me, especially in terms of the person we got the email from, because in coupledom, and we're going to get into this in a little bit, in coupledom, that is not cool. That is like completely painful because in some way you're both sitting there parallel laying on the couch and you're thinking, wait, isn't there supposed to be more than this?
Caanan
Right. That's not a healthy, intimate relationship. That's a roommate relationship. And I got to say, we get it. We totally get it. This is, fortunately for you and I, Kent, not the relationship we have. We're very connected because we communicate a lot. But I understand why couples would be in a side-by-side sort of parallel play relationship because the world is exhausting. Life is exhausting. It takes a lot of energy just to like do life now. And that whole autopilot, I think the person used the word autopilot in the email. That's a lot easier. It's sort of like, if I'm asking you binary questions about the day and the logistics of life, did you get the groceries? Did you pick up the kids? Whatever. You can answer yes, no. And it feels like we've had a little bit of a relationship, like we're doing things together. We're getting things done together, but there's no depth there. And unfortunately, the logistics are safe. They can be answered yes or no. The real connection, you know, that's messy.
Kent
Yeah, well, I want to jump in here because I had written a note about this. I want to make it clear that what our emailer and so many people we know, and again, this applies to the work groups who work with, this isn't a lack of love. It doesn't mean there's a lack of love or like.
Caanan
No.
Kent
You don't have to love your manager or coworker. It's just something that we've for a long time been trained to do in our late stage capitalistic world. And more and more, as we referenced a bit ago, it's become a bit of a survival mechanism. So yeah, that's the key. Talking about communication in that episode 20, this listener and others having this very good thought, okay, but so now what? How do we do it better? Give us tips for doing it better. That's the key. What we're all experiencing now or what so many people are experiencing now is not a lack of love or like, it's how we've been conditioned and it's especially insurmountable seeming now because of what's happening in the world.
Caanan
Because it's exhausting. You know what? I was just making this connection. You were talking about journaling every day in our mind share.
Kent
Yeah.
Caanan
And for some reason, journaling is a very simple thing to do. You sit, you write, you can do it for 5 minutes, you can do it for 30 minutes, whatever. But you even in sharing that, we're talking about how it's a hard habit to build. We all know that. I'm sure you listening now have probably tried to journal and have failed at making it a habit. That to me relates to this idea of connection because if I'm going to show up in my relationship and ask real questions like, how are you feeling about something? I have to be prepared to show up for it.
Kent
Yeah.
Caanan
And so it's like, if journaling is a hard thing to do as an exhausted person in the world today, it's very hard to say, oh, I'm going to ask some real deep questions and then I'm going to have to show up to that person and I might have to actually get vulnerable myself and who has the energy.
Kent
Yeah, so this is interesting. Two things I want to point out about what you just said. You talked about me talking about journaling randomly during our open discussion. Funny, the minute you said that, I started to think about all of the self-criticism I was putting on myself in my brain. And I think even out loud, like, oh gosh, I've got to have something to journal about. I have to be in a specific silo or it's not worth it.
And it just dawned on me profoundly as you were then going on to talk that this is what we deal with our friends and our clients so much, especially our Gen Z clients or work groups with Gen Z in them, there is so much self-criticism. And like you said, what did you say? Then we actually have to talk about feelings or we have to go there.
Caanan
I have to show up.
Kent
There is so much fear about that kind of vulnerability, not only in relationships, friendships, coupledoms, but in work relationships because people just are really leery about those boundaries and not wanting to look stupid. I mean, we can't tell you how many times we hear, I don't want to look stupid. I don't want to say the wrong thing because now, of course, everything is very dangerous. Everything spreads like wildfire. It's on social media. So those are just the baseline facts.
And I really want to get into some things that we can do despite that being the reality, some things we can do to actually communicate more effectively. Your best investment is knowing yourself. With YouFinder, you'll uncover your natural strengths, talents, and values through a quick assessment. You'll then get personalized insights to help you on your path. Get started at novacationrequired.com.
Okay, so Sparks, Sparks of better communication sparks that will help you to stop ask, why are we being so surface in our communication or I guess pretending that proximity is the same thing as connection, going beyond proximity to connection. So we really wanted to get into some actual tools to really answer the question specifically. And we always look at it for ourselves when we're talking to loved ones and even in our client interactions as having a small thing and a big thing that are both meaningful, that are always cooking. So let's want to talk about some of the kind of personal couple of examples.
Caanan
So I can think of some good small things and big things for us. And things that we recognize work for other people. So for you and I, we run together.
Kent
Yes.
Caanan
This is like a foundation of our no vacation required life. It's at the heart of it is that we have always made time to run together. And on those runs, we figure life out.
Kent
You're tapping into a big thing here, which is these things can still be fun. They're kind of like being next to each other. But it's the commitment and the enjoying it and the actually sticking to it that builds the trust, makes it fun, and then you're naturally just having conversations around what you're doing to yourself. So yeah, our running is a great example.
Caanan
So I'm sure many of you out there are like, I've never heard the word running and fun in the same sentence. So you don't have to do running. We have friends who play pickleball together. We have friends who do the crossword together.
Kent
Yes.
Caanan
And we'll end up talking during that time. Or just like as simple as carving out 10 minutes of your day that's tech free, where you can actually sit and look at each other and ask, how was your day? Not the logistics, but how do you feel about what happened today?
Kent
Yeah, you're getting into some advanced level stuff, but I'm glad.
Caanan
Yeah, but it's a small thing. It's 10 minutes of your day. It's like you're journaling. I know you're tired. I know it's hard to get in the habit of that. But if you can, the payoff is so immense for just that small amount of time. And then you can grow on that.
Kent
I'm thinking about our friends who actually like grease the wheels by doing, you know who I'm talking about, they do Wordle every day. And that takes 90 seconds, but they're kind of lighthearted during that time. Like, wait, I didn't even know that was a word. They're kind of laughing and then they can pop in like, okay, so who's picking up the kids? You know, what do you want to do tonight for dinner? There's, it kind of is the icebreaker to get them in the mode to then, like you're saying, have that 10 minute conversation every day. And then after you do it, you find you can take the time and have the conversation without having to have Wordle.
Caanan
It doesn't feel quite as exhausting after you recognize that it actually feels good and that sense of connection, the thing you actually want is starting to happen.
Kent
Yes.
Caanan
Big things.
Kent
Yeah, we're also big believers in having a big thing cooking.
Caanan
Yeah, and I hope you all have big things in the works. Like Kent, you and I always have some sort of big trip planning.
Kent
Several many.
Caanan
Several many. I mean that too, there's another like foundation of our no vacation required life is we do a lot of exploring. But you don't have to have multiple big trips in the works, but have something that you are working toward together, a family vacation, a trip, a weekend away, something that you can come together around and look forward to.
Kent
In the last episode, or a few episodes ago, we talked about, we have so many of these kinds of things. Communication is not a problem for us. We have so many of these things, but we have an evolved category. So a thing where we just put big ideas that we will then put on our plate down the road. But you have to have some of these things, like we enjoy planning our big adventures together. We have friends who have this big item bonding around their yearly family vacation, so they have a deep once a month check in on it and then every week mini check-ins on it.
Caanan
Yeah, that's great.
Kent
Gets them together, gets them talking. Yeah, it keeps them from being people who have things happening in life that, like our emailer said, their partner doesn't even know about that the emailer responded to him was like, oh no, I don't want us to become that, but I fear we're becoming that.
Caanan
This is actually happening, you referenced this a little earlier, in the workplace too. And so I want you to give a few, a small and a big thing for the work environment, because this is a big problem there too.
Kent
Yeah, and a lot of our listeners are most interested in the career perspectives we share. Something that comes up in our consulting all the time, one-on-ones are meaningless if you're just shooting the shed. It's not the worst thing in the world, but you've got to be moving things forward.
So we always talk about one-on-ones need to be as intended, something that's a check-in on something that's moving forward. The employee wants the satisfaction of knowing they're getting validated for what they've done in the last week or the last two weeks. They're also getting direction for what to do in the next two weeks or a week, whatever the check-in schedule is. The leader also wants the validation of knowing that they're leading somebody to move a project forward. This is an essential small movement. So I would say start there.
In terms of big things also rolled into the weekly or every other week check-ins, there needs to be some big element that is worked on, and this could be a team thing too, this could be at the team level, or it could be at the one-on-one level. Employees want to know that they're making a difference, A, in the organization, and B, that their own development is being cared for. So ideally, this big thing, if you're a leader, centers around the bigger picture of the team or organization's goals being moved forward, and the individual team members' aspirations also moving forward.
So those are just a couple of ideas for the small and for the big. And doing these things, especially in these troubled times, will help you to not feel so alone.
Caanan
And you know what? Just hearing you talk about the advice for the workplace, you can take both of those, the small and the large idea there, and think about it with your home relationships. And those things are still true.
Kent
Yeah, I love that.
Caanan
Personal one-on-ones.
Kent
Yeah, bring that concept home.
Caanan
I love that.
Kent
Oh boy, there's a third episode.
Caanan
Are worth the time this week is actually kind of a surprise to us. And it's something that just showed up for us the other night. And it's the movie Rebuilding with, wait, what's that actor's name?
Kent
Josh O'Connor. Is it Josh O'Connor?
Caanan
Josh O'Connor. Oh yeah, he's in everything. So it's no surprise that he was in this movie. But what makes it a worth the time is that it's a rare movie. We don't see these very often anymore, where it was kind of honest about the experience these people were having. It wasn't overly romanticized.
Kent
Don't give it away, but yeah.
Caanan
But it was so sweet. It was so touching. And at no point did I feel like, oh God, I don't want to. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to deal with reality, even though it was very real.
Kent
Yeah.
Caanan
And I think that's a very hard mark to hit. So, you know, to the director of that, good work. And I would say, pick it up. It looks like it might be heavy, like from its description, but it felt very, very sweet and touching and easy.
Kent
It's a very heavy theme, but there's not that. No, what's going to happen now? There's not the like evil character. It's just, it's just really nice.
Caanan
Really nice.
Kent
Thanks for listening to the No Vacation Required podcast. For more information, including services designed to help you build a life you don't need a break from, check out novacationrequired.com. And if you found this information helpful, please subscribe.